just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
