Hey man sorry I got all grabby
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
