I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
