You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
