you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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