Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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