He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize