Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Damn victory sex feels great
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
