I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
