I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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