i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
