I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize