Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Randomize