No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
being pregnant is like rehab
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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