Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
