Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
