he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
