I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Why is your signature on my underwear?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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