I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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