I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
