What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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