I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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