um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
