My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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