My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
