Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
