i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
