Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
