I just gift wrapped bread.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
