Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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