just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
