i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize