I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
