I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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