Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
