Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
