She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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