the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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