oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
