my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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