Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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