New low: just hacked my moms facebook
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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