Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize