my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i dont even know how to be here
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
