new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
