just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
