Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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