i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
