my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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