i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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