the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
