Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Tell her she can't have a vagina
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
