I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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