So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
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