it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
