Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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